To understand my story, you have to first understand the circumstances surrounding my first birth. I was always healthy, active and figured I'd have a near perfect pregnancy and birth and would be able to breastfeed for as long as the baby and I wanted. However, what happened, should be in a book called, "Pregnancy, Birthing, and Baby: I Didn't Sign Up for This".
In the middle/late 2nd trimester, I developed high blood pressure. I had lots of doctor visits and brushes with bed rest until my 30th week. Then I was put on mandatory bed rest. Thankfully, I was a weather channel "junkie" and it was hurricane season!
When I went for my 36, nearly 37 week checkup, my blood pressure was 200/110…needless to say; I went directly to the hospital for an induction. After cervadil, pitocin turned up on high and an epidural, I delivered a baby boy with about 3 hours of labor. Not bad, huh? Well, as soon as that happened, he had to be whisked off to the NICU in no time. He was turning blue, so needless to say our breastfeeding relationship was altered (of course I didn't know this at the time). After 6 days in the hospital, pumping day and night, Stephen Alexander (Xander) came home.
I pumped milk and tried to nurse like a mad woman…which I was. After months and months of what I call "the loony period" I found a counselor and was diagnosed with postpartum depression/postpartum anxiety (PPD/PPA) . Lots of counseling and a little Zoloft later, I had emerged. I started feeding Xander formula and after several months of “hiding out” and feeding him (because I was so ashamed), I even started taking the dreaded bottle out in public. I even got to the point where I shot nasty looks back at women who dared to look at me in judgment. I was a happy stay at home mom with a beautiful healthy boy. Although the first six to nine months of his life are a little "fuzzy", I tried to learn from my situation and I believe it made me a stronger, more educated woman.
Well…then we decide to have another baby. And after countless hours of research, several hours of documentaries, and several midwife interviews, I decided on a homebirth with one of Middle Tennessee's finest midwifery groups. The staff were professional but always treated me very gently because they knew and cared about my previous birth experience and wanted to help me make a homebirth possible. I followed their rules to a "T"….except for the occasional bowl of ice cream! However, the bottom dropped out personally when my husband lost his job when I was 7 ½ months pregnant. He was quickly re-hired by another company, although not very reputable, but it paid the bills and we waited for our baby boy to be born. At 41 weeks pregnant, 10:30 pm on February 18th I went into labor.
I had taken Hypnobabies, a childbirth class that teaches self hypnosis to aid in any labor "discomfort", and I have to say it worked like a charm. The birthing tub we rented was awesome and I gave birth to little Colin Anthony at 2:57 am on February 19, 2009.
Once again, after several weeks, breastfeeding problems emerged and I got all sorts of advice. I followed it for a few months but nothing worked; he never slept. Yeah, I know babies don't sleep much - but he would sleep maybe 2-3 hours/day, and screamed the rest of the time. We tried natural remedies and prescriptions for reflux. When I was actually at the bottom of the barrel, so to say, I even gave him a muscle relaxer so maybe he would just relax and nurse.
Finally, my sweet doctor and nurse, who are the most wonderful "all natural" health providers I have ever seen, told me, "You've tried EVERYTHING. You have to try the hypoallergenic formula."
I conceded, feeling defeated, and couldn't even give him a bottle for awhile (that fell on my husband’s shoulders). I had spiraled again into PPD/PPA, but this time I had a fabulous support group who literally rescued me out of the hole I was spiraling into. A big thank you needs to go out to my husband, Brian, Kiki, Anna, and my mom….who wouldn't let me go and made me fight for my happiness!
I went back on my meds, and although it was super hard to swallow the "formula pill", I did it. I did the whole “hiding out” thing again, but not as long as after Xander. Now, I even go to the gym with a bottle and let others, besides my husband, feed him (trust me, this was a huge step). Once out of my fog I was able to see what an amazing baby I had been blessed with. Little Colin could hold his head up at birth, roll over at six weeks, crawl at 4 ½ months and walk at 8 ½ months.
Now, Colin is almost a year old and I feel very content and proud of my decisions. My motto now is "Happy Momma=Happy Baby" and I'm living proof!